I wrote the note below to my friend a few months ago on the day of her mom's funeral. Her parents died only a few months apart and it was a very difficult time for her emotionally. She'd had a difficult relationship with her mom at times, and I was so impressed with how she was able to forgive her mom and open her heart to loving her, wholly and unconditionally as her mom's health deteriorated and as her mom needed more care.
I have some days where I harbor a lot of frustration and resentment towards my parents and it is very hard to become detached from it. Reading this letter and recalling how my friend was able to find the strength too love her mom and forgive her inspires me to look at my parents with love and work on being a more patient person who does not get "pulled into" arguments and repeat the old familiar cycles of fights and arguments. I hope to be more like my friend; more forgiving, and leave the resentment and anger behind. Here is my note to her:
Dear XXXXX,
My mother always says “Parents do the
best they can with what they have” and I sincerely believe that.
You have always had so much unwavering faith, love, and respect for
your parents and have lived by this principal. While I have tended,
over the years, to have lost respect for my parents during
their bitter divorce, you have always focused on the positive with
both your parents and looked to forgive; even when it was a painful
process to do so. You embody the principals of forgiveness, love,
kindness, and redemption.
I want to say thank you for showing me
what it's like to give a parent a second chance and forgive them,
even if you have had a rough road with them and a difficult past. I
want to say thank you for showing me that forgiveness can plant the
seeds of kindness that yield a wonderful and nurturing relationship
that might have been lacking in the past. I want to say thank you
for teaching me, with your actions that it's OK to respect and love
someone that has hurt you, because you can acknowledge their own
struggles and see past the pain, to their love, and how happy, and
maybe even relived they are to have that love returned.
You are an amazing daughter. Don't
ever forget that. In this very crazy journey of life, you figured
out the child-parent part and got it right. Congratulations, most
people don't. Your parents did the best they could with what they
had, and they did an amazing job. You should be proud and happy and
feel blessed to have had the time that you have had with them. I am
so sorry they are gone, and that we are here today to mourn the loss
of your Mom, but when I look at the sum total of the gifts they have
given you, your sense of resiliency and purpose, your independence
and fierce love for your family, and the sometimes painful road that you have
traveled to heal emotionally, I see someone I love, I see someone I
am so proud of, and I know they are proud of her as well.
